


Things Coulson (Can't Believe He) Said

by Cyanide_Kettle



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ficlet Collection, Gen, Humor, Lists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2013-08-29
Packaged: 2017-12-25 01:14:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyanide_Kettle/pseuds/Cyanide_Kettle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of hypothetical quotes from our Agent Coulson.  There are things in his job that he can't believe he actually said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Coulson (Can't Believe He) Said

**Author's Note:**

> One of my headcanons is that occasionally Coulson does new recruit orientation at SHIELD, which accounts for several of these on the list. Others are of course due to everyday insanity at HQ, or attempts to intimidate and test the mettle of newbies. Sometimes, Coulson even makes announcements or writes memos at SHIELD. This was partially inspired by the tumblr list of New Recruit Survival Tips. A lot of thanks goes out to them!

“We’ve chosen to employ the sentient cheese in our Norway office.”

“I’m trying to decide how I can expense-account a Jedi costume.”

“This is still not as bizarre as that warehouse full of undercooked tortellini.”

“Who spiked my coffee with antidepressants?”

“That fire hydrant just gave us the finger.”

“Agent Barton has never worn a Lolita costume for a mission.”

“My tie is capable of killing you four different ways.”

“Why does my underwear have its own wifi network?”

“Somewhere, a kind old lady is missing half her cats.”

“Director Fury lost his eye in a pastry mishap.”

“SHIELD has no policy for deputizing small woodland creatures.”

“I would advise against eating the light fixtures.”

“If I ever make retirement, I’m taking up beekeeping.”

“Base jumping from Stark Tower has been illegal for six months.”

“Deathbed confessions only count if the death sticks.”

“Why did Stark fit my cane with a beverage dispenser?”

“Lola told me not to wear green.”

“’Menaced by office supplies’ does not qualify you for receiving hazard pay.”

“The dragon has requested one thousand pounds of tripe.”

“Death was last seen in the break room, looking worried.”

“Agent Hill’s bundt cake has been known to cause delusions of grandeur.”

“We all agreed that the three-headed goat had impeccable manners.”

“His coffee taught him how to write in iambic pentameter.”

“The last time I cleaned out my closet, I found a tiny civilization that worshipped me as Senor Mothball.”

“Why is the water cooler full of guppies?”

“Chuck Norris once failed the SHIELD entry exam. He’s never forgiven us.”

“Fandral occasionally sends us handmade doilies. A Hazmat team must receive them.”

“Never go to Sub-Basement 2 without a towel.”

“SHIELD does not officially condone psychological warfare in the form of wardrobe choices.”

“Is there a reason my fingernails are neon pink?”

“The end of the world is nigh. Someone should probably try to do something about it.”

“On the scale of apocalypse, this barely registers one horseman.”

“I can’t lead the debrief on the walking clams incident. It was my day off.”

“I’m preemptively blaming Agent Barton if this shows up on You Tube.”

“The last time I slept in, my breakfast in bed had tentacles.”

“Anything Agent Barton says to his bow is inadmissible in every court on Earth.”

“Dear Cupid,  
Fuck you.”

“Inside, a little voice started screaming and running away.”

“There’s no need to be bored in the afterlife.”

“There don’t exist enough FUBAR acronyms to describe Budapest.”

“If it’s purple, there’s a 70 percent chance that Agent Barton will claim he owns it.”

“Never let Agent Romanoff borrow your underwear.”

“SHIELD insurance no longer covers ‘Acts of Drunk.’”

“Much like humor columnist Dave Barry, I am not making this up.”

“Your clearance level does not authorize you to ask why.”

“Never let Mr. Stark borrow your socks.”

“Officially, the stapler incident never happened. Unofficially, the phobia support group meets Wednesdays at 1800 in the third floor conference room.”

“The rats in Research Lab 3 were staging a hostile coup before Agent Hill introduced them to Japanese flower arranging.”

“JARVIS and I have an understanding.”

“Only Miss Potts knows about the teddy bear incident.”

“No one has been the same since Agent Romanoff’s PowerPoint presentation on weaponizing foodstuffs.”

“The employee manual clearly states that Agent Barton is never allowed juice boxes.”

“If encountering mermaids in the line of duty, never feed them marshmallows.”

“The last person to touch Lola without permission now feeds through a tube.”

“There has never been, nor will there ever be, an office policy regarding coffee restriction. If you noticeably exhibit signs of ‘seeing sounds’ or time travel due to caffeine intake, medical action will be taken.”

“The facilities in the medical wing have never had bedbugs.”

“No one speaks of the Farmville incident.”

“The LMDs are not to be used to alleviate sexual frustration.”

“I haven’t seen that shade of yellow since Alaska 2007.”

“Philosophically, SHIELD cannot confirm the existence of unicorns. Realistically, remember to bring sugar cubes on any visit to Annex 2.”

“Trolls are fond of raspberry champagne.”

“JARVIS informed me he enjoys 80s romantic comedies.”

“The mechanized flying hamsters were a tactical error.”

“You’re a 10? Oh the pH scale maybe. Because you’re basic.”

“Go to your quarters and fill out a Drunk Science report form.”

“By the mercy of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we will get through this.”

“On the scale of weirdness, this barely rates a 3.”

“We handle the end of the world at least once a fiscal quarter.”

“Mr. Odinson informs us that kelpie are not normally florescent purple.”

“Whatever you do, don’t lick the ceiling.”

“I once met Rasputin. He was a fan of Jersey Shore.”

“Ever since Ohio, Tolstoy gives me nausea.”

“I don’t receive enough hazard pay to put up with sentient coffee.”

“I am not, have never been, nor will ever be, a Brony.”

“Why did someone teach the giant worm to read?”

“I know the words to the Spongebob Squarepants theme song, and I will sing it.”

“Karaoke Thursday was cancelled due to a semi-related incident involving Agent Sitwell and a gerbil.”

“Pidgin Klingon is not a language.”

“Despite any official-looking evidence, Agent Barton has never posed for Playgirl.”

“The Cheetos incident has been stricken from official records, and no one will be reprimanded.”

“Room in the budget has had to be made for cherry cough syrup.”

“Working expenditures do not include Ramen noodles, regardless of Agent Romanoff’s claims.”

“Agent Sitwell has offered a monetary reward for the return of his niece’s collection of ceramic mollusks.”

“The last time someone said ‘trust me,’ I ended up naked, handcuffed to Agent Hill.”

“The photographs you think you may possess of me smiling are fake.”

“Do not ask Agent Hill about her timeshare in Florida.”

“I am unanimous in this.”

“Captain Rogers has never yodeled, and yes, I am an authority on the subject.”

“Always trust JARVIS.”

“Karaoke Thursday is the only time pants are negotiable.”

“Go ask Dr. Banner for some of his ‘medicinal’ tea.”

“It was enough to have me contemplating the nutritional value of semen.”

“Obviously, not a fuck was given that day.”

“We try not to encourage Agent Woo’s fetish for post-it notes.”

“The SHIELD employee bachelor auction has been cancelled due to too much interest.”

“Some days, you can’t get the smell of loathing out of your laundry.”

“The good news: he isn’t dead. The bad news: he is still alive.”

“You never saw that cosplay.”

“He does not like the term ‘Bigfoot.’ He prefers ‘podiatrally gifted.’”

“Nessie has been a consultant for several decades.”


End file.
